A Conversation
by jgracetheauthor
Summary: When a certain doctor strikes up a conversation with a certain Vulcan, frustration is certain to abound. So why would he do so in the first place?


A Conversation

or

A Logical Purpose

"Hello."

"Hello, Doctor."

"How's everything been?"

"Everything has been going quite well, thank you."

"Doggone it, I'm trying to make conversation here. The least you could do is cooperate."

"I apologize. I was not aware of your intentions, Doctor. If I may ask, to what shall I attribute your sudden and surprising interest in speaking with me?"

"Does a man have to have a reason to want to talk?"

"Perhaps not. However, entirely unmotivated actions are highly unusual, and in my experience…"

"In your experience? What kind of experience have you had, anyway?"

"As a matter of fact, I have had fifteen years of interaction with humans, and in that time, I believe that I have made some observations that can assist me in my attempts to interpret their actions."

"Interpret? What kind of a word choice is that? The way you talk you'd think we were speaking another language."

"You are, but that is not what I intended to communicate."

"We are? What do you mean we are?"

"I do not understand your question. I mean that you speak in a different tongue than the one to which I was accustomed in my youth."

"Oh, so just because we don't speak in some idiotic, gibberish, Vulcan language, we're the uncivilized ones?"

"I did not intend to imply such a thing, Doctor. I was only attempting to answer your question."

"Oh, oh, so it's my fault? Why do you always think I'm the stupid one?"

"I certainly do not believe you to be lacking in intelligence, Doctor. I merely have seen a lack of logic in your patterns of reasoning and action."

"Alright, stop, stop right there. What did I say? What do I always say?"

"I am not conscious of your meaning, Doctor."

"My meaning, you green-blooded botheration, is that it is completely and totally impossible for me to speak to you without you bringing up logic fifteen hundred times."

"If I may say so, it is equally impossible for you to speak to me without getting yourself into a passion. Such emotion will be your undoing. Not to mention the fact that the number fifteen hundred is an exaggeration, as I would have to say it twice a second in a twelve point five minute conversation for…"

"My point exactly!"

"What is your point exactly?"

"You have no imagination whatsoever. If you had any imagination, you would know that exaggeration is - dare I say it - logical."

"I fail to see the reasoning behind your thesis."

"Oh, reasoning, reasoning, you know there doesn't have to be reasoning behind everything."

"There I am forced to disagree with you. Reason is the basis behind every truly valuable act or thought."

"You think that no one has valuable thoughts or actions who doesn't act or think with reasoning and logic? What kind of self-conceit is that?"

"It is not self-conceit. I was only trying to point out the value of logic…"

"Logic, logic, logic! I think that if I ever hear the word logic again, I'm going to kill whoever says it."

"That is unfortunate, because in that case, probability is that you will be my murderer."

"I'd be happy to accept that offer."

"It was not an offer. I was merely making a logical inference from your premise…"

"Logical! You just said it again! Is everything logic to you?"

"For the most part, it is. I am a Vulcan."

"Oh, you don't have to remind me. I know that, I know that quite well, thank you."

"Is it merely my perception, Doctor, or is it true that you are in an abnormally poor mood at the moment?"

"It's merely your perception, you point-eared freak. I never felt better in my life."

"Indeed. Then you certainly have a peculiar way of expressing it."

"I'll express what I like in the way I like, thank you. I don't know why I started this infuriating conversation in the first place."

"I must confess that I am equally bewildered by your actions. Are you quite sure that you had no particular motive in beginning this discussion with me?"

"That's none of your business. Here I am trying to have a nice conversation, and you have to go sticking your Vulcan nose in my business and plastering logic all over everything."

"If I may be so bold, it does not appear to me that you are trying particularly hard."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was merely making an observation."

"Oh you and your observations! What business have you to make observations?"

"What business have you to stop me from making observations? I was under the impression that I was free to act as I wished on this vessel, seeing that I did not disturb the peace."

"Well you're disturbing my peace."

"Your peace?"

"What do you mean, 'your peace?' Are you trying to 'observe' that I never had any?"

"The thought never crossed my mind, Doctor. I was simply surprised that it had not been disturbed long ago."

"Alright, okay, now this is going too far. I don't have to sit and be insulted by an inhuman thinking machine."

"There we can agree. I still have not been able to determine why you came here in the first place."

"I told you."

"I am quite sure that you did not."

"I did."

"I'm afraid that if you did, Doctor, I must have suffered some brain damage which caused me to misunderstand you, and I must ask you to repeat it."

"You suffered some brain damage which caused you to misunderstand me long before now."

"Thank you for your diagnosis, Doctor. Now perhaps you would inform me to what I owe this sudden interest in a conversation which you so kindly label 'infuriating'?"

"Well if you haven't _deduced_ it by now, Mr. Logic, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

"I am afraid that I must admit that my logical faculties are at a loss to determine the purpose behind your visit."

"Sometimes I think that your logical faculties are at a loss to determine anything."

"I am forced to take that as an insult."

"Oh good, I was worried it might sound like a compliment."

"Really, Doctor McCoy, you must at some point learn not to make constant sardonic remarks."

"I only make them constantly to you. I just make them often to other people."

"That is flattering."

"Take it however you like."

"I do not do things because I 'like' or 'dislike' them, Doctor. You of all people ought to know this."

"Oh yes, I of all people do know this."

"However, I will condescend to say that I would greatly like to know what it is that you wish to gain from this conversation."

"Whoever said that I wanted to gain something from it? I don't only do things for personal gain, you know."

"I am aware of that. I ought to rephrase that and ask if you would be so kind as to tell me of your purpose in starting this conversation. It is not logical that you should come and…"

"There you go again, logical, logical, logical! Everything doesn't have to be logical. Maybe I just came for no reason at all. Or maybe I came because I like you."

"True, that would be illogical indeed."

"Now listen, I am trying to say something to you, and you keep interrupting me with your logic. If you'd be quiet for half a second, perhaps I could get a word in edgewise, and then I could tell you."

"I beg your pardon, Doctor. I would be happy to give you a chance."

"Well, that's better."

"So what is it?"

"You want to know the reason I came to talk to you?"

"I am understandably curious."

"I thought Vulcans considered curiosity one of those pesky, foolish emotions."

"Quite the contrary. Curiosity is encouraged, as one of the means by which to obtain logical data…"

"See, see what I'm saying, every time I start to tell you, you break in with some logic."

"What is it that you start to tell me? If I did not know better, Doctor, I would think you were avoiding saying whatever it is that you have to say."

"Why should I avoid a thing like that?"

"I am unprepared to answer that question, as I do not know what the thing is like."

"Well for your information, I am not avoiding it. That was the farthest thing from my mind. If I wanted to avoid saying it, would I have come?"

"Doctor, you just said something logical."

"I suppose miracles never cease."

"I suppose they do not. Perhaps you would perform another one in telling me what it is that you have to tell me."

"Alright, alright doggonit! I came all this way just to say… to say…"

"What is it you wish to say, Doctor McCoy?"

"It's just… _happy birthday_ , alright? Happy birthday, you old nuisance, and I hope you have many more logical years ahead, alright? Are you satisfied?"

"I am more than satisfied, Doctor. It was most kind of you to remember."

"Well, it was just one of those things I happen to think of. Now, is that a good enough reason for you?"

"I suppose it is logical."

"Well it ought to be. I'm leaving now if you don't mind, I've had enough logic for one day."

"To tell the truth, I've had quite enough emotion for one day."

"I thought you might have. Well, goodbye, Mr. Spock."

"Goodbye, Doctor McCoy."


End file.
